SEC Media Days Superlatives
We are back. SEC Media days kick off on Monday and we’re so excited to watch a bunch of dudes sit at a podium and answer questions.
By: The Hammer
With the SEC coaches, players and staff all heading to Nashville next week for SEC Media days, we’re starting a new tradition. SEC Media days coaching superlatives. Just like the ridiculous superlatives in your high school yearbook. Let’s get some biscuits.
SEC West:
Most likely to interrupt every person who speaks to him: Jimbo Fisher - Texas A&M
Jimbo is notorious for interrupting everyone he speaks with. Just watch one of his press conferences and every reporter is cut off before they finish their question by Jimbo as he dives head first into a speedy diatribe that’s hard to understand in his West Virginia drawl. He’s going to interrupt valets, hotel employees, reporters, waiters, etc. No one is safe this coming week in Nashville.
Most likely to develop a Nashville accent: Brian Kelly - LSU
Brian Kelly is notorious for creating accents out of thin air, and it's obvious he’s going to attempt his best Nashville accent this weekend to fit in with the locals. I’m not really sure what a Nashville accent is, but I think it’s somewhere between your typical southern accent and a recent sorority girl from an SEC school accent. Listen close and you might hear Brian Kelly asking what “rizz” is. And if he gets an answer, please let me know too, cause I don’t have a clue.
Most likely to complain about how people in Nashville dress: Nick Saban - Alabama
Saban is going to take one walk down Broadway and immediately lean over to Mrs. Terry, asking why all the women’s shirts don’t cover their midsection and all the men look like fake cowboys that have never actually seen a horse. The look of disgust on his face will be palpable. Where are all the pleated khakis and loafers?
Most likely to be spotted shutting down bars on Broadway: Lane Kiffin - Ole Miss
It might not be Lane Kiffin, but rather Joey Freshwater. The jury is still out on the perpetrator’s real identity. Surely Kiffin will find his way to AJ’s Good Time Bar or Jason Aldean’s Kitchen + Rooftop Bar at some point, right? Perhaps Juice will even make an appearance? We can only hope. Just don’t get mixed up with a bachelorette party, Lane.
Most likely to get backstage at a country music concert: Sam Pittman - Arkansas
Sam Pittman is the ultimate good time Charlie. He’s the perfect backstage guest. He will pound 10+ Miller Lites and stand there peacefully with his wife, taking in the show and trying to call the Hogs every half hour or so, although no one will be able to hear him over the music. I think he would get along with all the country stars in Nashville, but he’s most likely to be found at a Justin Moore concert. Woo Pig.
Most likely to hit the hotel gym every morning: Zach Arnett - Mississippi State
I don’t know all that much about Zach Arnett since it's his first year at the helm in Starkville. But I know one thing just from looking at him: he’s a meathead. The dude looks like he lives in the gym and film room. I’ve even heard rumors that if his tenure in Starkville doesn’t go as planned, he could be next in line after Vin Diesel to take on a leading role in the Fast and Furious movie franchise.
Most likely to call an escor…..I mean local pastor: Hugh Freeze - Auburn
Y’all thought I was going to take a cheap shot at ole Hugh, didn't you? Shame on you, Hugh is a changed man! Instead of calling an escort service as the old Hugh might have been tempted to do, he’s going to be on the phone with a local pastor getting into the word of God. I mean, just ask any Auburn fan and they will tell you how much Hugh has changed. He might even take a night or two off and head over to a local church to speak to a youth group to speak about redemption and the zone read.
SEC East:
Most likely to suplex an AJC reporter: Kirby Smart - Georgia
This one should be self explanatory. The AJC has been writing extremely critical articles about Kirby and Georgia recently, so much so that the University wrote a letter to the AJC, demanding their most recent story be retracted and deleted. So yeah, if Kirby sees an AJC reporter out in the wild, he’s libel to turn into the Undertaker.
Most likely to draw up plays on a restaurant napkin: Josh Heupel - Tennessee
Josh Heupel is going to hit at least five Nashville hot chicken restaurants while he’s in town to try and find his favorite one. While he’s chowing down on spicy chicken, he will likely be drawing up offensive plays on a napkin cause offense is all he thinks about. Rumor has it he drew up the play to Bru McCoy at the end of the Alabama game last year the week prior at a local Waffle House. The guy is always scheming.
Most likely to try and find a quarterback on Broadway: Billy Napier - Florida
The Florida quarterback room is lacking a little (if I’m being generous) heading into the 2023 season. The Gators didn't really land any big time transfer at the position, unless you count Graham Mertz, which I don’t. He has a lot to prove. Knowing that, I would not be surprised to see Napier walking down Broadway with an NCAA regulation pigskin, asking young men to throw it for him so he can try and sign a new QB to the roster. “If you can throw a football in brand new cowboy boots on Broadway, you can throw a football in the Swamp” - Billy Napier, probably
Most likely to save a bachelorette’s life: Shane Beamer - South Carolina
Shane Beamer just seems like a nice dude, which makes him the most likely candidate to save a young bachelorette’s life. I see this playing out one of two ways. First, and most likely, is a bachelorette party stumbles out of a bar completely wasted with no clue where they are. Good guy Shane Beamer calls them two Uber XLs and sends them home. The other scenario I could see playing out is a bachelorette party drunkenly stumbles out of a bar and one of them nearly walks right into oncoming traffic before Shane Beamer form tackles her into the sidewalk, saving her from the lifted Dodge Ram that was speeding by, but leaving her with a gnarly concussion.
Most likely to steal yo Quarterback: Mark Stoops - Kentucky
Stoops is on the prowl, always looking for QBs from different conferences, no matter the setting. So ladies if your man is a Non-SEC play caller and in Nashville next week, sleep with one eye open because Coach Marky Mark always gets the “yes.” You may have gotten used to enjoying South Beach or Tallahassee on game day, but in a split second could find yourself watching your boyfriend from a porch swing in Lexington while sippin on firewater for the 2023 campaign. My suggestion, treat your field general to a nice haircut because if there’s one place you won’t find Stoops, it’s a barber shop.
Most likely to get left by the bus: Clark Lea - Vanderbilt
Clark Lea and Vanderbilt are definitely the most likely candidates to get left behind when the SEC bus leaves for the Nashville field trip. They do live in Nashville, so they’ll find a way to participate like a teacher’s pet. But the ‘Dores are an afterthought for the most part at big SEC gatherings like this. And before the Vandy faithful get on me, I think Lea is doing a great job so far in his tenure! But the ‘Dores remain an afterthought at the moment.
Most likely to attend a summer class at Vanderbilt: Eli Drinkwitz - Missouri
Coach Drink is a former math teacher, and math teachers are nerds. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have no doubt Drink will sneak into a lecture hall at Vanderbilt to take in a lesson on some super advanced calculus class just to make sure he hasn’t lost a step in the classroom. Gotta stay fresh.
