The Deep South’s Oldest Column: Why Auburn Truly Does Suck
The Deep South’s Oldest Column is back. This week Dr. B explores the Auburn Tigers and why they suck. Read the whole thing, I promise you’ll be surprised.
By: Dr. B
Started last season, “The Deep South’s Oldest Column” is a weekly feature from Biscuits & SEC. Each week during the season, B&S contributor Dr. B will examine an SEC topic from a cultural perspective. There will be examinations of the conference we love and why we love it. Stories of the role models who passed on the love of football in the South. Fun will be poked at other conferences - and often at ourselves. There will be introspection, life lessons, tales of big wins, crushing losses, history, tear-jerkers, joy...and the ties that bind us together.
I became a college football fan as a kid and in all honesty, I didn’t really have much of a choice. My dad was born and raised in Selma, Alabama and spent his Saturday afternoons as a kid listening to the Crimson Tide on his radio. We were raised on Alabama football and when my father passed away in February of 2016, it was clear that one of the most enduring legacies he passed down to our family was a devotion to Alabama football. Growing up, we had it all, including a coach named Bear, many more wins than losses, and a few national championships. The first game I remember watching as a young boy was the 1978 Sugar Bowl victory over Penn State made famous by the legendary “Goal Line Stand.”
The aforementioned “Goal Line Stand".” Photo by Walter Iooss Jr.
We were taught to love the Tide no matter what, even in those “lean years,” like 1981 when we went 9-2-1 (remember the days of ties?), and we basically refused to talk about a few years that were extremely lean, like the 5-6 debacle in 1984 under then second year coach Ray Perkins. We mourned the Bear when he passed away in January of ‘83, and we even had a huge Saint Bernard that we named “Bear.” As discussed in a previous column, dad flew the state flag of Alabama on game days, even though we lived in northern New Jersey and those “darn yankees” had no clue what it stood for. And we learned an important lesson early...one that I have never been able to fully embrace...that because we were Crimson Tide, it was our duty to hate the Auburn Tigers. After all, Coach Bryant at one point called Auburn “that cow college.” The Bear couldn’t be wrong in his disdain of Bama’s rival, could he?
The Auburn Tigers...War Eagles...or affectionately known to Alabama fans as “Barners” are supposed to be the hated, blue and orange clad clowns that take the scraps off the crimson table and beg for more. They are the “try-hards,” the proverbial little brothers that are constantly annoying and who, plain and simply, suck. The rivalry, I was told, is different...much different than the Ohio States and Michigans...the USC’s and UCLA’s...the Floridas and Florida States...rivalries that, for the most part, play out evenly. Not UA/AU because of the sheer superiority of the Crimson Tide. I was taught that Bama could go 1-10 as long as the one victory was against Auburn. I was trained that when I met someone who had lived in Alabama to ask right up front if they are Alabama or Auburn, and if they uttered the “AU” word, I was to express my extreme condolences. For a long time, the word Auburn was considered a cuss word in my home, all because Auburn sucks.
Some of my favorite Bama victories have come at the expense of that program that sucks. The 1999 28-17 win was the first Alabama victory on the Plains and a favorite of mine. I love seeing highlights of the 1981 victory by a similar 28-17 score that gave Coach Bryant his record setting (at the time) 323 career victory. My all-time favorite victory over Auburn came in 1985 when kicker Van Tiffen nailed a 53 yard field goal as time expired to knock off Bo Jackson and the Tigers 25-23 in one of the most exciting back and forth contests in college football history. The 49-0 victory that was a part of the 2012 national championship was satisfying in its sheer dominance, as was last season’s 42-13 outcome. As Bama fans, these routs are what we expect.
Eddie Lacy was a baaad man for the Crimson Tide.
As I grew into adulthood and entered the teaching and coaching world, I learned, slowly at first, that Auburn truly does suck, but for reasons that I did not expect. First off, their campus doesn’t fit the image of a “cow college”, as it is stunningly beautiful. In addition, I have watched many Auburn games, rooting hard against the Tigers especially in those years where they could be a threat to my Crimson Tide (which is more than I would like to admit), and I always saw a game day atmosphere that was electric and a fanbase that was passionate. Their pregame ritual with the eagle landing on the field is...pretty cool. Their uniforms and helmets are sort of iconic and classic. Their football program has actually been quite successful, including recently against the Tide.
Auburn absolutely sucks because since 2000, the Tigers hold an 11-10 advantage over Bama, including a string of six straight that stretched from 2002 through 2007. They storm the field after huge wins, and because their field is surrounded by pretty hedges, their fans sometimes get stuck in them. Several of those huge wins have been at our expense, most notably in 1989 when the Tigers beat an undefeated and 2nd ranked Bama team 30-20 to end our national championship hopes. They did the same thing, in dramatic fashion, again in 2013 when they knocked us off again, this time when we were ranked #1 and headed for a third straight national title, in a contest named after a returned field goal attempt for a touchdown on the game’s last play. Auburn has that odd tradition of throwing toilet paper in trees on a corner on campus after big wins, and it actually looks like the “rolling parties “ are quite a bit of fun...interesting tradition, original, and Auburn sucks because they are the ones that came up with that tradition, not us. Auburn absolutely sucks because they have done exactly what they are supposed to do...shatter our dreams from time to time, and they have a lot of fun doing it.
Trigger warning Tide fans. The famed “Kick Six”
Perhaps the best evidence that Auburn sucks comes right from their own people, those darn “Barners.” I have taught or coached many, well over 100, with most coming from my days in the classroom in Atlanta, that have attended that cow college, and to a person, the quality of person that I have known has been extremely high. Young men and women that call themselves Tigers are outstanding people...hard working, loyal, somewhat realistic (more so than my fellow Tiders), and I have rarely, very rarely, met someone that attended Auburn that did not have a terrific experience. As an adult, my wife and I have become good friends with numerous Auburn alums and fans who are simply fabulous people. Are there exceptions to the rule? Absolutely, it’s just that I have rarely run across those exceptions.
How am I supposed to hate a school, its team, and its following when it is actually really impressive? Barners love their school and they love the traditions that have been established no matter how foolish they may seem (toilet paper in trees). Auburn does suck because it seems like an amazing place, their people are tremendous, and they are the only ones that make us Bama fans truly nervous. All of this really sucks for me and the Bama faithful because we really do want Auburn to suck in every sense of the word, yet if we are completely honest, they don’t. No matter how good we are, or no matter how many championships we win, we in Alabama nation will always hear the footsteps of Auburn. We are nervous that their new coach may end up being exactly what they need to threaten us from time to time. Will Auburn ever become as big and bad as Alabama? Probably not, but just the thought of that happening (“You’re telling me there’s a chance?”...thank you, Dumb and Dumber) proves that Auburn really does suck because we cannot get away from you. Embrace sucking, Tiger fans...you have certainly earned it.
Dr. B has lived and taught throughout the South, attending The University of Alabama and earning a Ph.D. from The University of Georgia. He has come to know and love the people and rich traditions of the SEC and its rabid fan bases.